Constant state of flux

Just going along.

I don't know how I really feel about being caught up with everything in my personal life.

I wonder if I really am? There has to be about a million little things that I am forgetting about, things that I should be doing.

This fucking sucks.

I am just sitting at home not doing much of anything, I should be doing some menu research, or at least talking on the phone to someone. I have been fighting the inner-introvert, in place I have been trying really hard to be more outgoing. For the most part I have been successful, I have been more like the person that I really want to be the last few months.

I just wonder if it is all a farce? I am just fooling myself?

It is times when I am sitting idle around my house with little or nothing to do when I start to think like this. It is times when I don't have anything to do when my mind goes frantic being the over analytical beast it is. This is one reason I feel like I am a better person when I keep busy, it stops me from over evaluating and dissecting my life, it keeps me sane.

I struggle so hard trying to get to a point where things are under control, where things are actually how I want them. When I get to that point, I am less happy than when I am struggling to reach the goal. Could it be that I am somehow defining myself through my adversity? I wonder how many people in this culture are doing just that, focusing more upon the negative and less upon the positive things going on in their lives. Ironic is the fact that despite my propensity for negativity, I still consider myself an optimistic person, is that hypocrisy?

I should go and do something now, keep myself busy so I don't have to feel sorry for myself.

This "Flux" state I wish would pass sooner, I think my feelings of self deprecation would wane quicker if there were some sort of resolution in my situation. Until things get finalized, I am forced to suffer until the end.