Constant state of flux

I had been thinking about going for a quick little run before all of the Halloween festivities started, but I might just think better of it. I have seen a couple of groups of children walking around my 'hood, I might just wait and see if any actually come my way. I am not really holding my breath mind you, in the past I have had few to none of the costumed children knocking on my door.

I don't know what I would do with all the extra candy I have lying around. Silly me I figured it would be a better idea to buy the large candybars instead of the cute little mini candy bars most people pass out. What the hell was I thinking, now I am going to be stuck with such an abundance of candy that I will be forced to eat. I don't even really like candy that much, or at least I try my hardest to stay away from it.

There is something about all of those highly refined sugars that just bothers me.

Here we are at a point in our culture where child obesity is really becoming an epidemic and there still exists an institution such as trick or treating. No wonder all of these children are getting fat, they are stuffing themselves with exhorbenent amounts of sugar and fat. Where do you think all of that fat goes? Although when you are younger it does take a little more to actually add the pounds on, it still happens. Obviously it is a problem just looking at the kids around now days.

Don't even get me started about AD(H)D, I have some pretty strong opinions about that as well.

sugar, commercials, all that crap is just contributing on a grand scale to our children's lack of concentration and general manic tendencies. I don't see how they can concentrate at all with all of that sugar coursing through their bodies and being subjected to television which isn't made to keep their attention more than a few short seconds.

What the hell do I know anyway.

Ass loads of pumpkins.

So I might be able to get myself a little deal on a crap load of pumpkins.

Seeing how it is near the end of the season, the local lovable organic garden supply store down the street has a little of a glut on pumpkins. The cool thing is that within the supply of endless giant pumpkins and others suitable for nothing other than jack-o-lantern making, lies an abundance of cute pie pumpkins. The possibilities for such pumpkins really doesn't have much of a limit. We could cook off the meat and make puree for such purposes as pies, soups or risottos to name a few. Or we could just cube the pumpkin and toss it into a salad, really whatever we want.

If I don't buy what they have left of the pumpkins, there is a good chance that they are going to fall victim to a fate of becoming compost. The farmer who grows them just takes the previous years pumpkins and tills them into the soil, which is a good idea. I guess this particular farmer is retired but has a large portion of land which was sitting unused. So the owners of the little organic garden shop I mentioned convinced him to start growing pumpkins for them. He doesn't use any chemicals so although they don't technically carry the "Organic" moniker, they are naturally grown. To achieve organic certification really is almost more work than it is worth, especially for someone like this farmer who is doing so for purely a recreational pursuit.

Now I will have to see what kind of deal they are going to give me when I come in there tomorrow. Tonight I was able to get 2 pumpkins for two dollars and eleven cents after tax. Considering I might be buying a couple hundred pounds of pumpkins, I am guessing that the cost will be minimal.

The owner of the cafe got a dog this weekend. Some sort of a "Labrodoodle" which she named "Vigo" sadly after the Lord of the Rings star. I have to admit that the dog is flipping cute like she said, really flipping cute. The idea was that the dog would eventually become the mascot of the cafe, and would be passed around from employee to employee communally. I factor into that equation considering that I am running the kitchen, we shall see if I actually get possession of the dog when it comes to be my turn. I wouldn't really mind having a little dog to help me in my endless pursuit of finding women who want to date me. Just like a cool car makes a guy seem that much cooler, a cute puppy makes a guy seem that much more approachable.

I almost want a dog of my own now, it wouldn't really be right with how much I am busy with work right now. I think a dog deserves more attention than I would be able to give it, hell I wasn't able to give my wife enough attention, what makes me think I would be able to do so with a puppy.

Time to Halloween-i-fy my casita, I hope I get trick-or-treaters this year.

Lazy hazy gloomy day and I love it.

It is perfect weather outside, not too hot and not too cold. The rain seems to have stopped falling for a little while, hopefully long enough to allow me a quick run. I still have a little administrative work to be done at the Cafe, so my run might just send me in that direction. I won't be able to do my normal river trail running, I try and avoid doing so when it has just rained. I don't really feel like being a culprit responsible for the erosion of trails if I can help it.

That always bugged me, people running and mountain biking on trails in Montana growing up. All it does is tear up the trails and makes it difficult for anyone else once it dries. I can't really stop people from doing so, but I at least don't have to be an addition to the problem.

I bought crap loads of full size candybars in anticipation of the Halloween revelers tomorrow night. It didn't really cost that much more to buy the whole size candybars from costco as it did the little ones so I figured might as well. If nothing else I will be the "cool" house on the block, I wouldn't be surprised if I see repeat trick or treaters as the night progresses.

Hopefully I won't be forced to dish out the candy all by myself, I have enlisted a helper, although I don't really know if she is going to be up for it or not.

My plan for this afternoon is to find myself a pumpkin and do a little carving, something about my "barrio" that people don't really come to houses that don't have a jack-o-lantern or some Halloween inspired decorations. I don't really expect a glut of visitors, but I like to be prepared regardless.

Now I just have to find a costume.

Savers here I come.

Ass kicking night.

It was a little busy in organic cafe world tonight.

Busy to a degree, not at all insurmountable.

We made record time in cleaning up the kitchen, mostly because of my urge to leave at a decent hour. I have to be back in a little under 8 hours, so my desire to stay and leisurely clean wasn't that strong. We had everything done except sweeping and mopping the wait station done within 5 minutes of close. The key is not to wait until the last minute to start all of the projects, things flow smoother and faster if you already have most everything done before you close. It also helps me out with labor costs, which were FAR too high today.

I am going to have to make some difficult decisions here soon, hours are going to have to be cut, people aren't going to like it. There is really only so much that I can do, when there are not the hours, there is no way I can afford to keep and maintain a full staff. I should act quickly as well, procrastination will only exacerbate my labor woes. As well I am a little afraid of how my inventory is looking, usually I would have less product around by this time in the week, so I am going to have to take a good hard look at how things are selling and what is working.

I still have to finalize the menu and create all the prep sheets for the next week, so I really shouldn't be sitting here entering into my blog, especially when no one but myself ever reads it.

I am really looking forward to the anonymity of this one compared to my last. It just made me uncomfortable to know that people I didn't really know but knew me were reading my blog on a regular basis. It made me more uncomfortable to know that people I did know and that I didn't want to check my blog were also reading it on a regular basis. Of course I do the exact same thing with people I know would be uncomfortable with my reading of their blogs. Funny how communication can be severed entirely but I still can know what is going on in someone's life.

Another day.

Another day and another trip to the bank trying to get things in order. It isn't like I am having money difficulties, I live meagerly and always make sure I have plenty of money to sustain my meager lifestyle. It is more like I am having ex-difficulties, but even that isn't an exact explanation. There aren't any problems, yet. Now that we are separated I just don't feel right having an account that she can look at whenever she feels like it. I am not doing anything spectacularly crazy so I don't know what my big problem is, I just don't feel like my finances should be any of her business anymore.

So I started the process of removing her name from my account, you have to start somewhere right?

Mostly Done.

I can say with some certainty that next weeks menus are at least 90% finished.

I still need to figure out a few incidentals, but for the most part everything is looking pretty good. Which is good, I am planning after all on leaving town, if nothing else just a few miles away. I have been cooped up for a while now, since about the time she left. Even having another which I am starting to care for deeply, the pain is still apparent and raw. I keep hoping things will get easier, that things will just one day be like they were before, with or without her. It doesn't really help that I am still stuck in this house, OUR house. When I dissect how I have always associated things, I always just felt like I was along for the ride in our relationship. It never really felt like I had much ownership, like I was really more than a participant. I wonder if that is how most people see things?

Is is possible to be entirely engrossed in our lives with someone else? It always felt like some important aspect was missing somehow, something that should have been there. I could just be looking at things in retrospect, and creating things that never really existed. My coping mechanism has some dust and grime clogging up the gears, it might take a while before things start purring and running smooth again.

The menu looks pretty good for next week nonetheless. I am looking forward to a couple of items in particular. There was some discussion of just using older stock recipes in order to ease some of the stress of the transition I am in now that I have taken over running of "my" little kitchen. I should have listened to them and just repeated some of the recipes we already had in the black binders overflowing in the office. The pigheaded oaf within me instead opted for coming up with all my own ideas, lets see how that goes.

I know I still have a ba-zillion things on my plate to deal with, but my first and foremost priority should be the food. If not I should get a job delivering pizzas or just drag my lazy ass back to school.

Although my over ambitious endevours might be an hinderance in my attempt to actually get some time off this weekend, c'est la vie non?

Just going along.

I don't know how I really feel about being caught up with everything in my personal life.

I wonder if I really am? There has to be about a million little things that I am forgetting about, things that I should be doing.

This fucking sucks.

I am just sitting at home not doing much of anything, I should be doing some menu research, or at least talking on the phone to someone. I have been fighting the inner-introvert, in place I have been trying really hard to be more outgoing. For the most part I have been successful, I have been more like the person that I really want to be the last few months.

I just wonder if it is all a farce? I am just fooling myself?

It is times when I am sitting idle around my house with little or nothing to do when I start to think like this. It is times when I don't have anything to do when my mind goes frantic being the over analytical beast it is. This is one reason I feel like I am a better person when I keep busy, it stops me from over evaluating and dissecting my life, it keeps me sane.

I struggle so hard trying to get to a point where things are under control, where things are actually how I want them. When I get to that point, I am less happy than when I am struggling to reach the goal. Could it be that I am somehow defining myself through my adversity? I wonder how many people in this culture are doing just that, focusing more upon the negative and less upon the positive things going on in their lives. Ironic is the fact that despite my propensity for negativity, I still consider myself an optimistic person, is that hypocrisy?

I should go and do something now, keep myself busy so I don't have to feel sorry for myself.

This "Flux" state I wish would pass sooner, I think my feelings of self deprecation would wane quicker if there were some sort of resolution in my situation. Until things get finalized, I am forced to suffer until the end.

University Tour.

La Duena and I were treated to a little tour of the internal operations of the University Dining halls this afternoon.

They are interested in getting something set up with local more independent restaurants to bring in some ideas and something to break up the monotony for all of the college students. The idea has merit, I am a little apprehensive until I see how things go, it isn't exactly the easiest thing to supplant one menu atop another. I think they are just looking for some ideas and some name recognition more than anything, they would even be willing to do all of the prep work themselves. I might supervise in some capacity, just making sure that the product quality standards are being maintained.

I just now need to figure out what I would like to do, and what would work.

They are trying it out with another restaurant tomorrow evening, I am anxious to see how it falls into place.


I took a quick run tonight along the river, almost got myself lost which is amazing considering the close proximity from where I live to where I was running. It is just about a half mile from my house to the river, and there are still areas in which I haven't seen, and it isn't like I don't run there often. I probably run down by the river at least 3 times a week, but usually it is during the evening, when everything is a tad bit darker. My urge for exploring is diminished after the sun sets. Really I am convinced there is an entire population of transient cannibals who come out at night, I don't want to risk losing a limb or worse. In my vast experience it is never a good idea to tempt cannibals with man flesh, just not a good idea.

I should be out and about getting all my errands done.

I have a large chunk of cash sitting at the post office, all I have to do is sign and I can start paying bills.

My hair is getting shaggy, I should work on that.

I have a meeting in less than a half hour, I wonder if I should read over the ADR and see what I should have been doing all last week?

Well right now all I am doing is reading about bad restaurants in NYC and drinking coffee, my procrastination knows literally no bounds. Perhaps my proclivity for procrastination might be trumped by my punctuality, so I should really go.

Alright well I thought I would be able to stop the blogging beast within by erasing my blog.

How long again did that last?

Looks like just a week.

I am planning on keeping this one a little less personal, I still have things that I would really like to say, but I just don't see the point of expressing all of my opinions as overtly as I did on my last blog.

It is really ironic that I am unable to maintain a diary, but a blog itself is a different beast. If I know that random individuals are able to read what I write, than the entire situation doesn't seem as futile. Keeping a private diary just doesn't do me much good, even with my tendency for introspection.

I say that I am in a constant state of flux for a few reasons, the main catalyst of this is my impending divorce. I don't even know when we are going to start the process, but I do know that the emotional attachment I once felt is waning. I sometimes ask myself if it will ever sever completely, I have a feeling there will always be at least a little emotion between us, even if we never will be able to be as we once were. But that is the past now, I need to remember that I must keep this sans emotion, so I will do my best.